Do you know someone who is being abused by a partner in a relationship?
Here are some ideas on how to provide support to a friend or someone in your family.
Do:
- Approach them about the abuse in a sensitive way. For example "I'm worried about you because..."
- Believe what they tell you. It will have taken a lot for them to talk to you and trust you.
- Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someone's self-confidence. Their partner could be placing them in real physical danger.
- Focus on their safety. Talk about safety and how they could protect him/herself. See The Safety Plan
- Help them to recognize the abuse and understand how it may be affecting them. Recognize and support their strength and courage.
- Help them to understand that the abuse is not their fault and that no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.
- Listen to them and help them to think about the relationship, whether they want to break up or stay, and how they can protect him/herself from any more abuse.
- Offer help to protect them but only if you are not putting your own safety at risk. For example, you could offer to be around when the abuser is there, take phone messages from the abuser, etc.
- Encourage them to talk to a counselor, or talk to a counselor yourself about what you could do to support the victim
- If you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help. Talk to someone, or contact one of the Resources for support.
Don't:
- Don't blame the victim for the abuse or ask judgemental questions like "what did you do to make him/her treat you like that?" or "why don't you just break up with him/her?"
- Don't focus on trying to work out the abuser's reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting the victim and on what she can do to protect him/herself.
- Try not to be impatient or critical if they are confused about what to do, or if they say that she/he still loves her pertner. It's difficult for anyone to break up a relationship, and especially hard if they are being abused.
Questions you could ask
- "What can I do to help?"
- "How has his behavior made you feel? How is it affecting you?"
- "How have you been coping with the abuse?"
- "What can you do to make yourself safer?"
- "What are you afraid of if you leave?"
- "What are you afraid of if you stay?"
